The Story Of A Girl That Meets A Guy Who Sparkles
by madikateco
Summary: “Is that…Cat vomit!” “I don’t own a cat darlin" Follow the sparkly adventures of two very interesting people as they sparkle-leap through book one two three and four : A/U Made for a laugh. don't take tooooo seriously


THE STORY OF A GIRL WHO MEETS A GUY AND THEIR SPARKLY ADVENTURES  
**  
READ THIS.**

**Ok, before you start readingg this, let me tell you, this was all for fun. I absolutely LOVE twilight, and anything to do with it, so i don't need stupid hate mail okayys?  
This is just my interpretation of twilight in an alternative universe. MY universe to be precise...OH! and before i forget...two little words for the universe of fandom...  
*****!*!*!*!*SPOILER ALERT!*!*!*!*!*!**

I repeat...SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT

**so with out further ado...**

This story is about some average, teenage, American girl named IzzyBella Crow. IzzyBella got real mad at people when they call her Isabella because that's not her name, and if you did call her Isabella she'd go totally whoop-ass on you. So IzzyBella lived in a dessert desert and she really hurt her hand on a little baby cactus, and dripped blood everywhere, which resulted in her disgusted mum sending her off to live with her dur-brain father in the very, very small, and immaculate, town of Knives And Forks, which was somewhere completely different then the large, dangerous town that was named after a fire breathing bird, Phoenix. So IzzyBella decided to bring her little cactus friend to the snowy town of Knives and Forks with her, because a cactus is totally going to survive that. She got off the very tiring airplane ride that went SCHWOOSHHHH through the air and over mountains, and landed in Knives And Forks, where the rain instantly belted her as she looked around for her father, Charlie Crow. She saw an old, middle aged man, with a balding head, dark, bushy moustache and holding up a sign that read FIGGLE. Figuring Charlie was middle aged, balding, moustache bearing man, she ran up to her suspected father and greeted with a warm salute.  
"IzzyBella my girl!" Wow, this guy was incredible! Not only did he know her correct name, but he was a ventriloquist as well, judging since no sound came out of his mouth, nor did his lips actually _move._  
A not-so-gentle tap on the shoulder made her whirl around, karate chopping her attacker and dropping him to the floor. Then she noticed the police badge that read _POLICE CHIEF CHARLIE CROW _and realized that _this_ was her father. After a few apologies and greetings the two were in Charlie's police cruiser and driving to where IzzyBella would spend the rest of her nights sleeping, eating, and doing whatever else teenage girls do at night. As the neared the end of a dark, musty alley IzzyBella saw the large inflatable palace that Charlie redeemed as his home. Walking inside she gasped in shock.  
"I thought I'd clean some things up before you came." Charlie said proudly, puffing out his chest with pride.  
"What the fuck did it look like before?!" IzzyBella feared she would go into catatonic state living in a humongous inflatable castle that looked like the finish result of 12 college parties in a row. Beer cans, plastic bags, clothes, anything and everything was strewn all across the floors, furniture and walls.  
"Is that…Cat vomit?!" IzzyBella shrieked in disgust as she dodged out of the way of the pile of crusty puke on the floor.  
"I don't own a cat darlin'" Charlie said, confused.  
IzzyBella was totally freaked and ran up to her bedroom which didn't work too well, because she just ended up bouncing all over the stairs and walls.

She reached her bedroom and lay down in her scratchy, yet comfortable bed and waited for the worst. She couldn't sleep tonight, knowing the state in which this house was. Ungrateful bitch was a clean freak. She knew tonight she wouldn't survive and feared for the worst. Luckily she could survive it and the next morning she woke up, got ready for school and snuck outside before Charlie could see her. Noticing Charlie's cruiser was gone, meaning she had no way of getting to school, she found a lovely brand new, sparkling Jaguar in the driveway with a big red bow on it. Charlie may not know how to clean, cook, dress, or anything else regarding himself, but, damn! Man knows how to win his daughters heart! IzzyBella drove to school and got out of the car, then walked to the office, avoiding the envious and lustful stares coming from the student body, and some teachers, of Forks High._ I completely own these bitches now. I'm like…Megan Fox cross Angelina Jolie cross Kirsten Dunst. One day, I'ma totally take over the world_ she thought. IzzyBella got some things from the office and headed to her first class, history. Walking in she introduced herself to the teacher.  
"I'm IzzyBella. Where am I sitting?"  
The class passed by quickly, and as IzzyBella was getting out of her seat a puppy-looking boy ran up to her. She could imagine him wagging his tail as his tongue lolled out of his mouth.  
"Hi I'm Mike. Wanna make-out in the janitors closet?" Repulsed by his forwardness, IzzyBella gave him a small pat on the head and cooed at him.  
"Naww, you are so cute! Yes you are!" Mike relished in the fact that IzzyBella Crow called him cute, not acknowledging that she was referring to the fact he reminded her of a small puppy from her childhood she accidentally let run away.  
"You're cute too **Isabella**." He didn't notice the way her eyes glazed over with fury, nor the way she immediately removed her hand from his head, and steamed fumed out of her ears. In one small, sharp movement, IzzyBella picked up her 100 pound book bag and swung it over his head. Mike immediately passed unconscious on the floor and a few of the surrounding students stared in shock at the new girl who made Michael Harold Newt be knocked unconscious. She grabbed her bag and stepped over his body, walking out of the class room. The rest of the morning passed by quickly, and she made her way to lunch. She saw Mike sitting with a bunch of kids, some of which she had noted were in her class. Putting aside the fact she had knocked him out earlier that morning, he waved and winked at her, beckoning her to join his table to eat. She walked over to his table and sat down, listening to the raucous bickering coming from the line to where you buy your food so you can eat it.  
"NO! I told you Sandra, I CAN'T EAT FOOD!" A beautiful, velvety voice rang out through the now silent cafeteria. She turned her gorgeous but at the same time, not gorgeous, head around to see a god. A shining white light presented behind Him. Turning her head to the other side of the line, after her short moment of religious act, IzzyBella saw some other guy. Her jaw dropped at his chiselled jaw, so chiselled it could cut through granite. His deep...were those _gold orbs?! _Well they were the most beautiful golden eyes you'd ever see. "Whew, who is _he?!_ I nearly soaked my panties!" IzzyBella fanned her face with her hand. I mean, this guy was HAWTT! No wonder every girl including some guys were fawning over him. IzzyBella stood out of her seat and strutted over to the very handsome Adonis.  
"Hi I'm –"  
"Bella Crow, I know." His smooth as velvet voice shook through her, ignoring the fact he called her Bella.  
_Bella. Bella Crow…Sounds good…_ "And you're…?" She asked with a smirk and a playful flip of her hair.  
"Sullen. Edward Sullen." He replied with a smirk and a playful flip of his hair.  
_Mrs Bella Sullen…Sigh…Sounds absolute perfect!  
_"Err, listen…we shouldn't be friends. You need to stay away from me IzzyBella! I'm dangerous goddamnit! I'm a KILLER!"  
"Yeah, a hott killer…"  
"You're not listening! No, now you will completely fall in love with me but I don't have a soul!!! But I am forbidden to tell you for reasons you can not know, but will totally blow your mind when you find out later on…Now I must leave and you will never see me again!"  
And with that Edward Sullen dropped his tray of food in the bin, snatched a rat from one of the darker corners, bit into its abdomen and stormed out of the cafeteria.  
IzzyBella sadly packed up her ironic Buffy The Vampire Slayer lunchbox and sadly walked out of the now chatter filled cafeteria, upset that she would never see the tall, brooding, handsome, dark, moody, and slightly emo and aggressive man again. She stepped into her biology class surprised to see none-other than _The_ Edward Sullen sitting at her assigned table.  
"Fancy seeing you here," She smiled at him flirtatiously, sitting down in the seat next to him. Seeing something large, white and evil in the corner of her eye she screamed, jumping onto Edwards lap, sending him off the chair and both of them on the floor.  
After noting it was in fact, a stuffed owl she saw she relaxed and started laughing.  
She sensed Edward Sullen staring at her intensely and turned around to see him glaring at her.  
He quickly pushed himself up from the floor.  
"_Bella, _you're scent is too overpowering for my vampiristic, err, I mean…emo and aggressive and moody lifestyle. I have to leave now, even though we could possibly be soul mates someday, but that day is not today!!!! Alas, it might be tomorrow, for my fortune telling pixie sister came home from shopping saying we were to be soul mates soon…But this is not about her! It is about—OMG IS THAT A BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER LUNCHBOX AND MATCHING PENCIL CASE!?!?" Edward ran to IzzyBella's backpack snatching the lunchbox and matching pencil case out and throwing them out of the window, which somehow caused them to have a chemical reaction with the wind, rain and cold, making them banish into thin air.  
"wow…maagggiiiccccc….!"  
Some things happened after that including Edward going SCHWWOOOOSHHHHHH and crashing into a van which resulted in his perfectly groomed, yet still in disarray hair bouffant to falter, which made him angry.  
"URGHHH!! Don't make me angry…You won't like me when I'm angry! Now I will have to write a letter to whoever owns that van telling them how angry I am!" IzzyBella just chuckled and in a moment of spontaneous insight, climbed into a parked ambulance.

The next day in biology IzzyBella sat down next to Edward and addressed him appropriately.  
"Whassup homedogg. Whats floatin' in ya boat? Grilling in your killing? Kickin' chicken?"  
"Bella, I have a secret." Edward now enjoyed calling IzzyBella Bella, for it meant something in Italian and he thought that would make him seem more superior if he knew something in Italian.  
"Yeah, you're a vampire. What are you doing Friday night?" IzzyBella pulled open her textbook to doodle more doodles of _**Mrs Bella Sullen**_ on her page.  
"Bella! Now you know my secret I'm going to have to deal with you…"  
Realizing what he said, she looked up gaping at him, "You're going to…Eat. Me?"  
she asked with a waver in her voice.  
"No, instead I'm going to take you on an awesome piggyback adventure ride through the forest, up to a meadow on the top of a mountain, where we can climb tree's and pretend to be spider-monkey's, and then take you to meet my super cool, super vegetarian vampire family and we can browse through my collection of super awesome and ancient collection of music and books."  
"oh…ok…that sounds fun. Wait, did you say vegetarian?!" IzzyBella asked with a quirk of her brow.  
A slight breeze stirred her long, long, looooong, but not that long, mahogany hair. She looked around  
noticing they were now standing on the edge of a mountain.  
"Yes I did say vegetarian. Do you have a problem with vegetarians?? Cause I know plenty of great people who impacted this world, that in fact are vego-a-tarians. Hmph."  
"And I know a person who has really sexy hair, but other from that is extremely odd and moody and emo and aggressive and…a vampire. Add the fact he won't answer my questions I'm thinking in my head right now. His name is Edward." She smiled at him sweetly. Cause evil people always smile sweetly for some reason. Little did IzzyBella know, there was a plan concocting in Edwards hot head of his, a plan that consisted of stalking, Volvo driving, combat fighting and graduation caps. That's right. Edward was thinking about taking Bella to…MEET HIS FALSE VAMPIRE FAMILY! After some sparkling, brooding, and story telling, Edward drove Bella to his FALSE VAMPIRE FAMILY's awesomely awesome mansion/home/AWESOME EMPORIUM. So IzzyBella met the rest of the super awesome vampire's that she found out, didn't actually drink human blood, which you know, she thought was pretty awesome. That explained why Edward always eats the animals around school, which included ants, rats, mice, frogs, dogs, cows, buffalos, and llama's. Oh, and some mountain lion and deer, but they are sooo Old School Dracula. So then the Sullens and IzzyBella went to go play SUPER AWESOME SUPERHERO VAMPIRE BASEBALL which is astonishingly fun, and makes Edward go SCHWOOOSSSHHHHHH! And Emmett (Edwards super awesome fake vampire brother) goes SCHWOOOOMMMMMMMM! And his girlfriend/wife/sister go "My monkey boy." That resulted in IzzyBella thinking about those weird-arse ugly monkeys. When she told this to Rosalie, she got MAD, and nearly vampire bitch slapped IzzyBella but some evil vampires interrupted. One of them, named James, nearly bit IzzyBella but stopped when he saw the Buffy The Vampire Slayer baseball cap she was wearing.  
"ARGHHHHHHHHHH NOOOO, NOT BTVS!!" James screamed in agony, falling to the floor. Edward, Emmett, Jasper and Alice, Edwards other two brothers and sisters, took this opportunity to completely vampire bitch slap the poor sucker while he was down. Then they made a fire and danced around it like tribesmen, throwing pieces of snapped wood, that just popped up, and pushed evil James into the fire. Then there was some purple smoke, some weird arse smell and the Sullens and the Crow went home.  
"It's time to take you home Bella."  
"Are we going to go on another awesome piggyback adventure through the forest like before?" she asked Edward, gleefully.  
"No, I'm going to take you in the Volvo I drive. But maybe we can make out on the way home."

Two hours and only one small hesitant kiss later, Edward drop kicked Bella into her inflatable castle home.  
Some more shit went down but it's not that important. Then it was time for PROM! Cue ear splitting shrieks, and shouts of agony. Bella ate Edwards twinkie which made him extremely angry, even the whole super awesome false vampire family couldn't convince him that he was a vampire, he couldn't eat food wouldn't change his mood. So as a punishment Edward decided to take Bella to…PROM! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN. Bella was dreading for the worst and she knew that once she stepped inside that false Monte Carlo themed high school gym, she would, never, ever, EVER return.  
Luckily though she did return and they actually had a good time apart from the part where she caught up with her new best friend Jacob Blackeye-I know, not Alice?!- and found out they he only got paid 20 BUCKS to come flirt with her. So in the end some more stuff goes down including Bella going crazy cause Edward went to South America with some hot chick, then B jumped off a cliff, and Jacob totally EXPLODED into a wolf and she TOTALLY saw all his nakedness when he EXPLODED into a human again, then she went to Italy for a long awaited holiday break, bumping into Edward, who told her he stopped being so emo and moody and aggressive. Then she was like…I love EDWARD…but I also love JACOB!...And I'm totally graduating in 2 weeks which means I'm gonna be a vampire soon…which means I'ma totally gonna get married in 3 weeks…And so then Bella got married to Edward and on their honeymoon they had really hott vampire/human sex which included lots of "OWWWWEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY! YOU TOTALLY JUST HURT ME!!!!!" and "What's that?" and then, uh-oh, could it be? Yes it can! Edward knocked Bella up like a tortoise! So Bella ended up having some vampire baby that broke her ribs, and Rosalie was like 'Grrrrrr my baby!!!" and Edward said to Jacob, "Jacob, this may sound weird, especially cause we hate each other and I want to bite you right now, but will you convince Bella to have an abortion then fuck so she can have baby puppies?" And when Bella found out she was like "EW EW EW EW EW! What kind of puppies will they be?" But Rosalie growled at her and so Bella drank human blood…it was in a sippie cup… and she was like "Yum Yum YUMMMMM!" and Jacob was like "EW EW EWWW!" and then Renesmee, her baby vampire daughter, like…killed Bella. And Edward had to make Bella be a VAMPIRE! So the VOLTURI who are the Italian Vampire Police came to town riding on a donkey, stuck feathers in their hats and called it macaroni…They mentioned that Bella means BEAUTIFUL in Italian and Edward was like…"I KNEW IT!" and so they lived happily ever after, having more and more hott vampire sex. But then on the 1st of January 2012 at 12am the world all exploded and they died. For real.

THE END

**Hope you enjoyedd :)**


End file.
